Evaluation

You know sometimes in life when you start thinking about things and realize you need to change some of the stuff in your life?

Or when you have those moments of thoughts, and you thought of something so awesome about the world that it could solve world hunger, and then you forget it three seconds later.

I have those thoughts on the daily.

But tonight is one of those evaluation times.

I often spend my time wondering all of the "What If's"
What if I was prettier
What if I was a little bit nicer to people
What if I stopped caring about what people think about me
What if everyone just stopped their judgments and loved everybody
What if, what if, what if, what if, what if.

I have already decided early on that, that is not how I am going to live my life. So why do I keep thinking about "what if things were different"?
Often times it scares me. What if I ended up somewhere else?
Sometimes this comes to me when I don't feel good about myself.
I evaluate myself, and how I can be better. Sometimes I think I am borderline insane.
One of my biggest fears is being. "That Girl."
I don't know why I need the acceptance of others to feel good about myself.
I honestly think I could go farther in my life if I just let that go and be who I wanted to be. But I also get scared that who I am is scary, and I would eventually let myself go.
I am the kind of person, that if I don't have a goal to work towards, or someone to love me...I get upset and sometimes depressed.
That also happens if I know I have failed at something and lost the approval of people. With that, I don't like letting people down.
I don't want to be that way, but that is also what makes me, me. It makes me so reliable, and I can see things from a different perspective. I am always the person to try to look at people as if I had walked a mile in their shoes.

Sometimes I feel like I lose that part of myself. And I don't want to lose that. I am just so bent on trying to be a different person than the one I was at home, that sometimes you lose sight of things that are important. As sad as it is to say, some days I feel like I have.

"Be Kind, Everyone you meet is going through a hard battle."

Sometimes people don't know how true that is. If everyone took that into consideration, this world would be a much happier place.
I am a victim and a culprit of this.
And in my mind, this self-conversion crap I want to do is probably going to start by giving and helping other people.
I hope that Karma will return the favor, though I know it already has. Karma worked on me first, and now it is my turn to give back. I just hope that I can end up being the person I want to be to get to where I want to go, and to get the people I need.

With this comes me trying to find happiness other that people. If I don't end my night with a cute boy or friends, then my day ends terrible. What about the other good parts of my day? Don't those matter? Maybe someone like me should learn to be more grateful and positive. Also, I tend to push people out of my life. Some I need to push out, others I need to keep. I just don't know who.

All this time I thought I was a leader and could be the reason someone wanted to change. But now I am the one that needs help, and needs that person that is willing to help me change. I see that in people, but people don't see that in me.

Sometimes I wish people could see the sadness in my eyes, the same way I can see the sadness in theirs.

I am really good at reading people. I know when they are upset. Maybe I should start paying attention to that more.

Its just hard knowing that you've been in a certain frame of mind for so long to go back to how it was.

Long story short, humble is the word i'm looking for. I need to be more of that. Because sometimes faking it til you make it hurts. It hurts you, it hurts your friends, and it hurts other people.

Waisting all these tears

I try to find you at the bottom of the bottle
Lying down on the bathroom floor
My loneliness was wrangling windows
You say you don't want me anymore
And you left me...

 Standing on the corner crying
Feeling like a fool for trying
I don't even remember why
I’m wasting all these tears on you
I wish I could erase all memory
'Cause you didn't give a damn about me

 And finally I'm through
Wasting all these tears on you, these tears on you
You ain't worth another sleepless night
And I’ll do everything I got to do get you off my mind
'Cause what you wanted I couldn'’ give
What you did, boy I'll never forget
And you left me...

Standing on the corner crying
Feeling like a fool for trying
I don't even remember why
I'm wasting all these tears on you
I wish I could erase all memory
'Cause you didn't give a damn about me

 And finally I'm through
 Wasting all these tears on you, these tears on you
I try to find you at the bottom of the bottle
Lying down on the bathroom floor