Thursday, October 30, 2014

Bringing myself back

I spend too much time trying to be neutral. I spend too much time trying not to be that dramatic girl that everyone hates. I spend too much time trying to make both parties happy which always ends in a loss for me in some sort of way. I spend too much time hiding the fact that I like things most girls I hate do.

I like sequins and glitter.
I love Taylor Swift
I love writing blogs and writing my thoughts down on paper because I can never say them correctly
I love going to Target to get new CD's like a 14 year old girl
I like being classy with glass silverware and red lipstick kind of thing.
I like paper lanterns and string lights
I like the Polaroids that produce pictures instantly
I see nothing wrong with shorts and tank tops and sunsets
I like pink
I love to laugh...alot. Most people see that as ditsy. I see at as my personality
I like my morning tea and reading the newspaper
I love Starbucks and fake glasses
I still dance to myself in my room when I get ready
I have, in fact, worn nothing, but a white dress shirt and slid down the wood floors in socks like he does in Risky Business.
I like the fake glitter tattoos you get from the bowling alley
I like bows and diamonds and lots of lace
Although I've been through hell, I still believe in fairly tales and the person who will do anything to be with you.
I am one of those white girls. But I try and hide it because I don't want that label.
I still have a journal where I write all the boys I have ever kissed in it
I love Lana Del Rey and Marina and the Diamonds
I still think its classy and attractive to wear sundresses and sweaters and read a book
I have forgotten I like all of these things in the midst of my busy life
Sometimes I forget who I am while trying become who I want

"Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset. Red lips and rosy cheecks; say you'll see me again even if its just in your wildest dreams."

Sunday, February 9, 2014

If You Really Knew Me

If you really knew you you'd know that Red is my favorite color (right now) and it changes weekly

If you really knew me you would know that I hate telling people my accomplishments and when I do I quickly regret it and it always gets weird.

If you really knew me you would know that I am probably the most awkward person alive, but its only because I don't know what to say most of the time. Contrary to other peoples beliefs I'm actually not a talker, I just really hate silence.

If you really knew me you would know I use my energetic personality to hide a lot of my sadness. I don't like letting people know I'm upset unless I'm really upset. (that's when I should probably stay off of social media)

If you really knew me you would know that baseball is my favorite sport and I study it more than anything else. The mental and strategic concepts of the game completely blow me away.

If you really knew me you would know I am the most serious/unserious person ever. I don't know how its possible to be both, but I have pulled it off.

If you really knew me you would know I love jokes and I get excited whenever I hear a new one.

If you really knew me you would know that I am very independent, and I always take care of people -- its in my nature. Sometimes it probably comes off creepy, haha. But if you really knew me you would know that sometimes I get really lonely.

If you really knew me you would know that I believe everything worth having in life has to be natural. If it's not, you don't need it. But I also believe that hard work can make the unnatural become natural.

If you really knew me you would know that I really just want someone to love me for me, because I'm not changing for anyone. If you really knew me you would know that I want to marry someone who gets all of my odd qualities and is my best friend.

When I say I care about you, I really mean it. When I say I miss you, I really mean it. Those words don't come easily out of my mouth.

I don't tell anyone my problems because I believe that 90% of the people don't care about your problems and the other 10% are glad you have them.

If you really knew me, you would know that I love the gym way too much. Whenever I have a bad day, it always makes me feel better -- so I go everyday.

If you really knew me you would know that I feel everything so deeply. I am very passionate about everything I care about.

If you really knew me you would know I have a very guilty conscience, but I also like to break the rules. I would rather go on adventures and explore than sit around and watch movies all day long.

If you really knew me you would know that I you have to break down my walls barriers to really really get to know me.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Why you gotta, Why you wanna make me keep wanting you

It seems like the more you try and run away from things, the sooner they will catch back up to you--and I'm not even talking about mistakes.

I'm talking about the kind of things that you'd rather forget. The heartaches, the people you thought you knew, the ones you would be better off just forgetting. It's those kinds of moments or people that you can't forget. You could have not talked for months, and if your like me, as soon as a song that reminds you of that person goes off, you find yourself bawling at the gym. Gay right?

It's those kind of moments that remind you how not over it you really are.

And it's not like you even spend time wallowing in the self-pity, being the person who can't get over it. It's when you finally are happy again, doing what you love in a place where you find your most happiness and something reminds you how bad you still want that person, or to have those moments again. Almost like its not even voluntary. And that's what pisses me off the most. When you are doing all you can, to be a stronger, better person than you were yesterday with the situation, and life turns around and slaps you right in the face with the thing you are trying to hard to forget. It's a bitch right?

Maybe i'm saying that in another time, in another place that person was your soul mate, and they could have been right for you. Maybe it's gods way of showing us that we are that capable of liking someone and having someone like us the same way in return.
But nothing is worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time.

Maybe it's the universes way of saying that later on, you will have those moments again.

Sunday, December 8, 2013


I guess you really did it this time; left yourself in your war path
Lost your balance on a tight rope; lost your mind trying to get it back

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days. Always a bigger bed to crawl into.
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you?

It's alright, just wait and see your string of lights are still bright to me. Who you are is not where you've been. You're still an innocent.

Did some things you can't speak of, and at night you'll live it all again.
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now if only you had seen what you know now then.

Wasn't it easy in your firefly catching days everything out of reach, someone bigger down to you. Wasn't it beautiful running wild till you fell asleep, before the monsters caught up to you?

It's alright just wait and see your string of lights are still bright to me
Who you are is not where you've been, you're still an innocent.

It's okay, life is a tough crowd--20 and still growing up now.
Who you are is not what you did, you're still an innocent.

Time turns flames to embers, but you'll have new Septembers. Everyone of us has messed up too.
Minds change like the weather, and I hope you remember.
Today is never too late to
Be brand new

Lost your balance on a tight rope; lost your mind trying to get it back

Saturday, December 7, 2013

I Wanna

I want to go where I can see for miles and not have it be blocked by mountains
I want to go someplace where it makes me feel whole again
I want to have the salt in the air, and look around me and feel nothing but happiness
Rehoboth Beach

I want to have my hair curl up in the natural wave, the way it only does in humidity
I want to close my eyes and take a deep breathe and let it all go
I want to walk the s  h  o  r  e line watching as people play in the water
I want to be some place where no one knows my name
I want to go on a bike ride down a small swampy path and see trees for miles with the sun shining through
I want to be on the board walk where all you see is the beach bums and families out shopping
I want to see the excitement a child gets when they see the hermit crab with the sing that says "FREE" in big bold letters
I want to get a braided anklet that I'll wear for months that will remind me of this place even when I have to go
I want to go where random tan life guards hit on me and tell me I'm beautiful
I want someone to meet me and tell me its refreshing to meet someone like me
I want to be in the east coast
I want to be at the beach
I want to be at Rehoboth

Friday, November 22, 2013

And You Let it Go.

Imagine you are walking down the street on a rainy day. You look around you and all you see is sadness. You see the rain beating down you changing the color of your clothes, you see people running from their cars into the houses, you see the sun slowly getting run over by the clouds. But just as you look down from the sky you see a lucky penny on the ground. You pick it up and put it in your pocket, wishfully thinking that maybe this will turn your day around and you continue on. You walk down the road looking for the next thing to make you happy. But throughout the day that penny gets pushed down further and further in your pocket until you completely forget that it is there. You forget the thing that was supposed to make you happy; the thing that was supposed to turn your day around.
A lot of times in life, our own lives become that penny. We have things weighing us down until we forget about the true happiness and the small things that make us happy. Those things being the people we care about, or just the simple blessings we have in our lives everyday.

We become too busy searching for other luck and forget about the things that means the most.
With this comes letting go. Letting go of the things that bother us, the things we can't change, and the things we can.
A lot of times, especially from personal experience, things happen in your life that alter how you see things later on. They damage you in a way that it will take a miracle to fix. You cover it up and wear a mask, and only let certain people give a peak at the real you as you are walking down that rainy street. You walk around with this mask hoping that people can recognize you as they look into your eyes. Recognize your sadness. Recognize that you need a hero. But with all of this baggage you have, it alters how YOU THINK people see you. For all you even know, one of these people passing you by could be your hero, but you don't give them a chance because you don't think they can help you. You think they will just hurt you like everyone else.
You end up having too many things going on in your mind that could go wrong, that YOU end up being the one that changes. And that's why those people can't help you.
That's why I believe that no matter what you do, consistency is the key. Consistently be you. Because the person that loves for YOU, will love YOU no matter what. So we have to decide to not get scared or change the way you do things, just because you are expecting something to go wrong, because of what has happened in the past.

Let go of whatever is bothering you and take into consideration that maybe you are focusing too much on something else. That being, the things of the past. When you are upset about something, it magnifies the intensity of everything else. Making everything, as well as your reasoning, seem worse than what it really is.
Making you sad.
Giving you that mask.
Pushing that new shiny, lucky penny down into your pocket.

                                                     I    don't    want   to   be   that  penny.

So don't let yourself be that penny.
Let go of the things that are bothering you, it causes extra baggage.

It's never too late to take that extra step and fall and pray to god that someone catches you. 
You just have to trust that things will work out and everything happens for a reason.
You have to believe that your heart knows what it's doing even if your head tells you differently.

So if you find those constant things in your life that make you happy don't push them away.
I know I am really good at that.
i love the rain Don't push away the most important things because in time you will realize what you had, and what you let go.

So when you are walking down that rainy road, don't look at the sadness.

 Look at the sky and find the beauty in the rain. Look at the happiness of the children playing in water. Look at the cleansing feeling of the world starting over. 
Let the rain wash it all away. And then let it go.
rain gif

"Today I’m gonna keep on walking
I’m gonna hold my head up high
I’m gonna leave it all behind
I've got no more tears to cry
 Today I’m gonna stand out in the rain
Let it wash it all away
Yeah wash it all away
I’m gonna let it go." -Tim McGraw

So thank you to my Skyler for helping me figure that out. And thank you for continuing to believe in me when no one else has had the time to.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Colder Weather

She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane

He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then

She said you're ramblin'
You ain't ever gonna change
You gotta gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'

At a truck stop diner just outside of Lincoln,
The night is black as the coffee he was drinkin',
And in the waitress' eyes he sees the same 'ol light shinin',
 He thinks of Colorado
And the girl he left behind
He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're ramblin'
You ain't ever gonna change
You Got a gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'

Born for leavin'
Well it's a winding road
When your in the lost and found
You're a lover I'm a runner
We go 'round 'n 'round
And I love you but I leave you
I don't want you but I need you

You know it's you who calls me back here

Oh I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather

Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
Cause I'm a ramblin' man
I ain't ever gonna change
I gotta gypsy soul
And I was born for leavin'
Born for leavin'
And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
'm with your ghost again
It's a shame about the weather
I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait till then

 But I can't wait till then....