Thursday, October 30, 2014

Bringing myself back

I spend too much time trying to be neutral. I spend too much time trying not to be that dramatic girl that everyone hates. I spend too much time trying to make both parties happy which always ends in a loss for me in some sort of way. I spend too much time hiding the fact that I like things most girls I hate do.

I like sequins and glitter.
I love Taylor Swift
I love writing blogs and writing my thoughts down on paper because I can never say them correctly
I love going to Target to get new CD's like a 14 year old girl
I like being classy with glass silverware and red lipstick kind of thing.
I like paper lanterns and string lights
I like the Polaroids that produce pictures instantly
I see nothing wrong with shorts and tank tops and sunsets
I like pink
I love to laugh...alot. Most people see that as ditsy. I see at as my personality
I like my morning tea and reading the newspaper
I love Starbucks and fake glasses
I still dance to myself in my room when I get ready
I have, in fact, worn nothing, but a white dress shirt and slid down the wood floors in socks like he does in Risky Business.
I like the fake glitter tattoos you get from the bowling alley
I like bows and diamonds and lots of lace
Although I've been through hell, I still believe in fairly tales and the person who will do anything to be with you.
I am one of those white girls. But I try and hide it because I don't want that label.
I still have a journal where I write all the boys I have ever kissed in it
I love Lana Del Rey and Marina and the Diamonds
I still think its classy and attractive to wear sundresses and sweaters and read a book
I have forgotten I like all of these things in the midst of my busy life
Sometimes I forget who I am while trying become who I want

"Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress staring at the sunset. Red lips and rosy cheecks; say you'll see me again even if its just in your wildest dreams."

Sunday, February 9, 2014

If You Really Knew Me

If you really knew you you'd know that Red is my favorite color (right now) and it changes weekly

If you really knew me you would know that I hate telling people my accomplishments and when I do I quickly regret it and it always gets weird.

If you really knew me you would know that I am probably the most awkward person alive, but its only because I don't know what to say most of the time. Contrary to other peoples beliefs I'm actually not a talker, I just really hate silence.

If you really knew me you would know I use my energetic personality to hide a lot of my sadness. I don't like letting people know I'm upset unless I'm really upset. (that's when I should probably stay off of social media)

If you really knew me you would know that baseball is my favorite sport and I study it more than anything else. The mental and strategic concepts of the game completely blow me away.

If you really knew me you would know I am the most serious/unserious person ever. I don't know how its possible to be both, but I have pulled it off.

If you really knew me you would know I love jokes and I get excited whenever I hear a new one.

If you really knew me you would know that I am very independent, and I always take care of people -- its in my nature. Sometimes it probably comes off creepy, haha. But if you really knew me you would know that sometimes I get really lonely.

If you really knew me you would know that I believe everything worth having in life has to be natural. If it's not, you don't need it. But I also believe that hard work can make the unnatural become natural.

If you really knew me you would know that I really just want someone to love me for me, because I'm not changing for anyone. If you really knew me you would know that I want to marry someone who gets all of my odd qualities and is my best friend.

When I say I care about you, I really mean it. When I say I miss you, I really mean it. Those words don't come easily out of my mouth.

I don't tell anyone my problems because I believe that 90% of the people don't care about your problems and the other 10% are glad you have them.

If you really knew me, you would know that I love the gym way too much. Whenever I have a bad day, it always makes me feel better -- so I go everyday.

If you really knew me you would know that I feel everything so deeply. I am very passionate about everything I care about.

If you really knew me you would know I have a very guilty conscience, but I also like to break the rules. I would rather go on adventures and explore than sit around and watch movies all day long.

If you really knew me you would know that I you have to break down my walls barriers to really really get to know me.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Why you gotta, Why you wanna make me keep wanting you

It seems like the more you try and run away from things, the sooner they will catch back up to you--and I'm not even talking about mistakes.

I'm talking about the kind of things that you'd rather forget. The heartaches, the people you thought you knew, the ones you would be better off just forgetting. It's those kinds of moments or people that you can't forget. You could have not talked for months, and if your like me, as soon as a song that reminds you of that person goes off, you find yourself bawling at the gym. Gay right?

It's those kind of moments that remind you how not over it you really are.

And it's not like you even spend time wallowing in the self-pity, being the person who can't get over it. It's when you finally are happy again, doing what you love in a place where you find your most happiness and something reminds you how bad you still want that person, or to have those moments again. Almost like its not even voluntary. And that's what pisses me off the most. When you are doing all you can, to be a stronger, better person than you were yesterday with the situation, and life turns around and slaps you right in the face with the thing you are trying to hard to forget. It's a bitch right?

Maybe i'm saying that in another time, in another place that person was your soul mate, and they could have been right for you. Maybe it's gods way of showing us that we are that capable of liking someone and having someone like us the same way in return.
But nothing is worse than meeting the right person at the wrong time.

Maybe it's the universes way of saying that later on, you will have those moments again.