Innocent

I guess you really did it this time; left yourself in your war path
Lost your balance on a tight rope; lost your mind trying to get it back

Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days. Always a bigger bed to crawl into.
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you?

It's alright, just wait and see your string of lights are still bright to me. Who you are is not where you've been. You're still an innocent.

Did some things you can't speak of, and at night you'll live it all again.
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now if only you had seen what you know now then.

Wasn't it easy in your firefly catching days everything out of reach, someone bigger down to you. Wasn't it beautiful running wild till you fell asleep, before the monsters caught up to you?

It's alright just wait and see your string of lights are still bright to me
Who you are is not where you've been, you're still an innocent.

It's okay, life is a tough crowd--20 and still growing up now.
Who you are is not what you did, you're still an innocent.

Time turns flames to embers, but you'll have new Septembers. Everyone of us has messed up too.
Minds change like the weather, and I hope you remember.
Today is never too late to
Be brand new

Lost your balance on a tight rope; lost your mind trying to get it back

I Wanna

I want to go where I can see for miles and not have it be blocked by mountains
I want to go someplace where it makes me feel whole again
I want to have the salt in the air, and look around me and feel nothing but happiness

Rehoboth Beach

I want to have my hair curl up in the natural wave, the way it only does in humidity
I want to close my eyes and take a deep breathe and let it all go
I want to walk the s  h  o  r  e line watching as people play in the water
I want to be some place where no one knows my name
I want to go on a bike ride down a small swampy path and see trees for miles with the sun shining through
I want to be on the board walk where all you see is the beach bums and families out shopping
I want to see the excitement a child gets when they see the hermit crab with the sing that says "FREE" in big bold letters
I want to get a braided anklet that I'll wear for months that will remind me of this place even when I have to go
I want to go where random tan life guards hit on me and tell me I'm beautiful

I want someone to meet me and tell me its refreshing to meet someone like me
I want to be in the east coast
I want to be at the beach
I want to be at Rehoboth

And You Let it Go.

Imagine you are walking down the street on a rainy day. You look around you and all you see is sadness. You see the rain beating down you changing the color of your clothes, you see people running from their cars into the houses, you see the sun slowly getting run over by the clouds. But just as you look down from the sky you see a lucky penny on the ground. You pick it up and put it in your pocket, wishfully thinking that maybe this will turn your day around and you continue on. You walk down the road looking for the next thing to make you happy. But throughout the day that penny gets pushed down further and further in your pocket until you completely forget that it is there. You forget the thing that was supposed to make you happy; the thing that was supposed to turn your day around.
A lot of times in life, our own lives become that penny. We have things weighing us down until we forget about the true happiness and the small things that make us happy. Those things being the people we care about, or just the simple blessings we have in our lives everyday.

We become too busy searching for other luck and forget about the things that means the most.
With this comes letting go. Letting go of the things that bother us, the things we can't change, and the things we can.
A lot of times, especially from personal experience, things happen in your life that alter how you see things later on. They damage you in a way that it will take a miracle to fix. You cover it up and wear a mask, and only let certain people give a peak at the real you as you are walking down that rainy street. You walk around with this mask hoping that people can recognize you as they look into your eyes. Recognize your sadness. Recognize that you need a hero. But with all of this baggage you have, it alters how YOU THINK people see you. For all you even know, one of these people passing you by could be your hero, but you don't give them a chance because you don't think they can help you. You think they will just hurt you like everyone else.
You end up having too many things going on in your mind that could go wrong, that YOU end up being the one that changes. And that's why those people can't help you.
That's why I believe that no matter what you do, consistency is the key. Consistently be you. Because the person that loves for YOU, will love YOU no matter what. So we have to decide to not get scared or change the way you do things, just because you are expecting something to go wrong, because of what has happened in the past.

Let go of whatever is bothering you and take into consideration that maybe you are focusing too much on something else. That being, the things of the past. When you are upset about something, it magnifies the intensity of everything else. Making everything, as well as your reasoning, seem worse than what it really is.
Making you sad.
Giving you that mask.
Pushing that new shiny, lucky penny down into your pocket.

                                                     I    don't    want   to   be   that  penny.

So don't let yourself be that penny.
Let go of the things that are bothering you, it causes extra baggage.

It's never too late to take that extra step and fall and pray to god that someone catches you. 
You just have to trust that things will work out and everything happens for a reason.
You have to believe that your heart knows what it's doing even if your head tells you differently.

So if you find those constant things in your life that make you happy don't push them away.
I know I am really good at that.
Don't push away the most important things because in time you will realize what you had, and what you let go.

So when you are walking down that rainy road, don't look at the sadness.

 Look at the sky and find the beauty in the rain. Look at the happiness of the children playing in water. Look at the cleansing feeling of the world starting over. 
Let the rain wash it all away. And then let it go.

"Today I’m gonna keep on walking
I’m gonna hold my head up high
I’m gonna leave it all behind

I've got no more tears to cry
 Today I’m gonna stand out in the rain
Let it wash it all away

Yeah wash it all away
I’m gonna let it go." -Tim McGraw

So thank you to my Skyler for helping me figure that out. And thank you for continuing to believe in me when no one else has had the time to.

Colder Weather

She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
She's answered by the tail lights
Shining through the window pane

He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're ramblin'
You ain't ever gonna change
You gotta gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'

At a truck stop diner just outside of Lincoln,
The night is black as the coffee he was drinkin',
And in the waitress' eyes he sees the same 'ol light shinin',
 He thinks of Colorado
And the girl he left behind
He said I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
She said you're ramblin'
You ain't ever gonna change
You Got a gypsy soul to blame
And you were born for leavin'
Born for leavin'
Well it's a winding road
When your in the lost and found
You're a lover I'm a runner
We go 'round 'n 'round
And I love you but I leave you
I don't want you but I need you
You know it's you who calls me back here

Oh I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
Cause I'm a ramblin' man
I ain't ever gonna change
I gotta gypsy soul
And I was born for leavin'
Born for leavin'
And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again
It's a shame about the weather
I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait till then


 But I can't wait till then....

Our Deepest Fear

"If she's amazing, won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up... you're not worthy. Truth is everyone's going to hurt you, you just have to find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley.

I think society expects too much out of people. But maybe it is because we know how capable everybody is of accomplishing things. We know that if they wanted to, everyone could reach their highest potential.
We are either two things... overly confident, or having the lowest expectations. I tend to go toward having low expectations. Not that I'm always negative, I just don't really trust anyone. And with certain things in life, I'd rather be safe than sorry.

And maybe that is why we do give our whole heart to everything we do. Are we scared of trying, or are we scared of the fear? I think it is we are scared of what will happen.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.   Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others." --Marianne Williamson   So why is it we care so much about what other people think? Because they can't control your life. They don't wake up in your shoes every morning. They haven't seen the things you have seen or been in the situations you have been. They do not know what it is like to be you. They do not know what the things that have happened in your life that causes you to make the decisions you make--even if they are bad ones. A lot of the times, people don't know any better. And a lot of the times, people are looking for an escape. And the only way they know how are probably the things we all make fun of or judge. And in the long run, we are ruining ourselves by doing those things.   "The moment you feel like you have to prove your worth to someone is the moment to absolutely and utterly walk away."   

Some people will never understand the concept of everyone is a different person and we need to respect every single one of them. Those people are the worst kind of people--the selfish. If you really think about it, every crime, every rude comment, every bad action people is our of selfishness. And the moment that someone judges your or doesn't take the time to see the blessings you could bring into their life is when YOU should walk away. Its not because you are weak. It's not because you have no comeback to say to them. Its because when some ones makes those judgments, it's them who are not comfortable with themselves.

 

That is why we cannot judge them either. Let them make judgments about us, but if we get mad, or make the same judgments about them, then we are no better. We have no grounds to get mad, or angry because we are doing the same things back to them.

 

Don't get even, get better.

 

What's wrong with the world is we focus too much on other people. WE let them stop us from doing things we want to do. WE let them change to we are. WE let them make us afraid to be who we are, When we should be focusing on how to better ourselves.

We need to be nice to them because they are the ones who need it the most. All we can do it try to understand the things they do, and why they act the way they do. We need to be more understanding of those peoples. We can be the ones to change their lives.

 



If you are looking for a sign--this is it

 

“People say I love you all the time - when they say, ‘take an umbrella, it’s raining,’ or ‘hurry back,’ or even ‘watch out, you’ll break your neck.’ There are hundreds of ways of wording it - you just have to listen for it, my dear.”

“I know today is Monday and you assume it’s going to suck, but according to statistics, there will be over 5,000 weddings, 10,000 childbirths, and 42 million hugs occurring today throughout the United States. Also today, there will be at least 4 people that will win the multimillion dollar lotteries, 600 people will get promotions at work, and 3,000 people will lose their virginity. There will also be 600 dogs adopted, 35,000 balloons sold, and 800,000 skittles eaten. Plus, the words “I love you” will be said over 9 million times. So again, I know today is Monday and you assume it’s going to suck, but just smile, because according to statistics, it should actually be a really nice day.”

 

“And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't Be a 2

Do you ever feel like you aren't good enough?

That no matter what you do, the person you want to impress the most is far from being impressed by you?

Do you ever feel like you don't know what to do?

Like you can only talk to people about things for so long before you THINK they will start getting annoyed?
My motto is 90% of the people don't care about your problems, and the other 10% are glad you have them. So I don't tell people my problems.

Where do you go when you have no one?

What do you do when you are confused?

What do you do, when the person you need to take away the holes is the one causing more in you. Until you are nothing left but cheddar.

You Rise.

This is where you see who wants to stay in your life.
 
You take control of the situation and don't let it get you down.

When people say surround yourself only with people who make you happy they don't know how true, and entirely damn false that is.

It's the people who you want to be in your life that can upset you. The ones that, if they were in your life, could give you the most happiness. That's why you hesitate getting rid of them. Because in a part of your life that may, or may not happen, they can make you happy. They can realize that your love is all they've ever wanted in life. But sometimes that's just not in the cards for you.
But I also find that statement false.
Anything can be in your deck of cards in life...Its just the ones you choose. People choose the course of their life. Though it may not be the one you want at first, you can throw that card away and pick a new one.
Relating this back to life.
If something in your life is upsetting you, get rid of it. You don't need it. It's not needed. Life is too damn short to be upset. And you can't let people control your lives or tell you who you are. Cause only two people know that.
You & God.

So Pick a new card.
Start a new life.
Turn a new leaf.
You are not stuck where you are.
You can change your life.
But will you let yourself?
Don't live your life with just 2's.
Everyone has the potential to live like Kings and Queens, hell, even Ace's.

What I'm getting at, is beat what ever is giving you grief. I know, sounds easier than it is. But you have to start somewhere. Start somewhere today. Make today that day to change your life.
But in that changing--don't change who you are.

So smile.
Be happy.
Its hard. But it's worth it.
It may take time. But it's worth it.
Its Worth it.

Take a vow, and never look back.

I will be happy. I will be confident. I am pretty & I am successful. One person's loss, is other people's gain... yeah, more than one person.
Someone is in your situation right now, fighting everything to find you.
Someone has been looking their whole life, to meet you.
Someone out there, needs you.

Evaluation

You know sometimes in life when you start thinking about things and realize you need to change some of the stuff in your life?

Or when you have those moments of thoughts, and you thought of something so awesome about the world that it could solve world hunger, and then you forget it three seconds later.

I have those thoughts on the daily.

But tonight is one of those evaluation times.

I often spend my time wondering all of the "What If's"
What if I was prettier
What if I was a little bit nicer to people
What if I stopped caring about what people think about me
What if everyone just stopped their judgments and loved everybody
What if, what if, what if, what if, what if.

I have already decided early on that, that is not how I am going to live my life. So why do I keep thinking about "what if things were different"?
Often times it scares me. What if I ended up somewhere else?
Sometimes this comes to me when I don't feel good about myself.
I evaluate myself, and how I can be better. Sometimes I think I am borderline insane.
One of my biggest fears is being. "That Girl."
I don't know why I need the acceptance of others to feel good about myself.
I honestly think I could go farther in my life if I just let that go and be who I wanted to be. But I also get scared that who I am is scary, and I would eventually let myself go.
I am the kind of person, that if I don't have a goal to work towards, or someone to love me...I get upset and sometimes depressed.
That also happens if I know I have failed at something and lost the approval of people. With that, I don't like letting people down.
I don't want to be that way, but that is also what makes me, me. It makes me so reliable, and I can see things from a different perspective. I am always the person to try to look at people as if I had walked a mile in their shoes.

Sometimes I feel like I lose that part of myself. And I don't want to lose that. I am just so bent on trying to be a different person than the one I was at home, that sometimes you lose sight of things that are important. As sad as it is to say, some days I feel like I have.

"Be Kind, Everyone you meet is going through a hard battle."

Sometimes people don't know how true that is. If everyone took that into consideration, this world would be a much happier place.
I am a victim and a culprit of this.
And in my mind, this self-conversion crap I want to do is probably going to start by giving and helping other people.
I hope that Karma will return the favor, though I know it already has. Karma worked on me first, and now it is my turn to give back. I just hope that I can end up being the person I want to be to get to where I want to go, and to get the people I need.

With this comes me trying to find happiness other that people. If I don't end my night with a cute boy or friends, then my day ends terrible. What about the other good parts of my day? Don't those matter? Maybe someone like me should learn to be more grateful and positive. Also, I tend to push people out of my life. Some I need to push out, others I need to keep. I just don't know who.

All this time I thought I was a leader and could be the reason someone wanted to change. But now I am the one that needs help, and needs that person that is willing to help me change. I see that in people, but people don't see that in me.

Sometimes I wish people could see the sadness in my eyes, the same way I can see the sadness in theirs.

I am really good at reading people. I know when they are upset. Maybe I should start paying attention to that more.

Its just hard knowing that you've been in a certain frame of mind for so long to go back to how it was.

Long story short, humble is the word i'm looking for. I need to be more of that. Because sometimes faking it til you make it hurts. It hurts you, it hurts your friends, and it hurts other people.

Waisting all these tears

I try to find you at the bottom of the bottle
Lying down on the bathroom floor
My loneliness was wrangling windows
You say you don't want me anymore
And you left me...

 Standing on the corner crying
Feeling like a fool for trying
I don't even remember why
I’m wasting all these tears on you
I wish I could erase all memory
'Cause you didn't give a damn about me

 And finally I'm through
Wasting all these tears on you, these tears on you
You ain't worth another sleepless night
And I’ll do everything I got to do get you off my mind
'Cause what you wanted I couldn'’ give
What you did, boy I'll never forget
And you left me...

Standing on the corner crying
Feeling like a fool for trying
I don't even remember why
I'm wasting all these tears on you
I wish I could erase all memory
'Cause you didn't give a damn about me

 And finally I'm through
 Wasting all these tears on you, these tears on you
I try to find you at the bottom of the bottle
Lying down on the bathroom floor